The Evolution of Speak
by live2tivo
Summary: How the infamous answering machine message was born. Won 1st place at speedrent. Implied MarkMaureen, RogerApril, and BennyAlison. Read, enjoy, review. Rated for language. Complete.


**Title: **The Evolution of 'Speak'**  
****Author: **Tally (musicaljunkie) **  
****Feedback: **is like pickles to a pregnant woman.**  
****Pairing: **Hinted Mark/Maureen and Roger/April, but only Mark and Roger appear in person. Not Mark/Roger, gasps, unless you play it backwards and listen really carefully (wait, sorry that's "Turn me on dead man" and "Revolution 9")**  
****Word Count: **1286**  
****Rating: **PG-13, language.**  
Genre: **Humor w/ a tad bit of romance**  
****Summary: **Mark wants Roger to help him change their outgoing message, and Roger want to know why. Pre-RENT.**  
****Notes: **Written when I should've been doing my short story for writing camp, so if I fail, I blame speedrent.**  
****Special Thanks: **To shotaphile, 'cause I promised her I'd thank her in my next fic for giving me NYTW (which rocks, because it's so bad) and to all my fellow campers here at writing camp who haven't killed me yet for my RENT centric ramblings**  
****Spoilers: **Uh, time spoils Milk and Cheese, but my fic isn't a dairy product. It doesn't spoil (unless you haven't seen RENT, in which case why the heck are you reading RENTdom?)**  
****Warnings: **Oil and vinegar don't mix**  
****Disclaimer: **RENT is not mine. I don't even officially own any of the RENT soundtracks I have. (Movie and OBC are courtesy of Rachel, Karaoke is courtesy of Lane, and, most recently, NYTW is courtesy of shotaphile)

I would also like to thank all of the people who have reviewed or added my other stories to their favorites list. I would list them all, but that would take a while, so I'm just going to let you live with the vague thanks. Reviews make me very happy and I write more stories when I'm very happy.

**The Evolution of "Speak"**

"We can't keep having this argument, Roger. Just say something."

"Why can't we keep the same message that we had before?"

"Because it says 'you've reached Mark, Roger, Collins, and Benny. Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you whenever the fuck we feel like it.' Benny and Collins moved out; we have to change the answering machine message."

Roger sighed; they'd been fighting over the answering machine for a week now, since the day Collins went off to teach in Colorado. "Why do I have to say something? Can't you just say 'We're not here, if we call back we care and if we don't we don't give a shit.'?"

"Because it doesn't say our names. How are people supposed to know if they have the right number if we don't say our names?"

"Why are you so worried about this, Mark?"

"I'm not worried about it. I just want people to know it's our phone."

"We almost never even have power, and nobody ever calls anymore unless they're looking for Collins or Benny's new numbers."

Mark was tired of fighting about this, but he _needed _to get the answering machine message right. "Just help me come up with something."

"Only if you'll tell me why this is so important to you"

Mark didn't want to tell Roger why it was so important, knowing he'd never hear the end of it if Roger knew. "I just don't want people thinking Benny and Collins still live with us."

"Is this because you're still mad at your mom for not changing her answering machine after you moved here because she thought you'd be back soon?"

"No."

"Did she ever change it?"

"I don't know. I never call her anyway. And even when I do, she _always _answers the phone. It's like she never leaves the house."

"Remember that stupid quote she always used?"

"Yeah, 'hello, you've reached the Cohen residence, Diane, Larry, Cindy and Mark; leave us your name, number, and a short message after the tone so we can get back to you as soon as possible. And remember, you, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.' God, that annoyed the hell out of me."

"So I take it you don't want ours to say 'in the end the love you make is equal to the love you take' or something like that."

"I'd settle for it saying anything at this point."

"Are we talking about an answering machine or your sex life?"

"Shut up, Roger. I don't see you dragging home any groupies."

"As a matter of fact, I met this hot chick at CBGBs last night."

"Really, what's her name?"

"April something…Adamson? Evanston? Ericsson? I can't remember."

"Sounds like you two had a good talk, then."

"Actually it was less of a talk and more of a fuck."

"Fuck you."

"Too late."

The phone rang, and, as always, Roger and Mark let it go to voice mail.

"You've reached Mark, Roger, Collins, and Benny. Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you whenever the fuck we feel like it."

_Hello, this is Alison, Benny's wife. He wants to know if you, um, have any messages for him. So, um, if you could just call us back and, um, give us the messages, um, that would be good. Are you there? Benny says that you, um, don't pick up the phone. Um, I guess not. So, um, call us back. Um, thanks. _

"Wow, Muffy sure does like the word 'um'. Should we call her back? We do have a lot of messages for Benny."

"Screw Benny and his fucking…"

The phone rang, again, and, once again, Mark and Roger let it go to voice mail.

"You've reached Mark, Roger, Collins, and Benny. Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you whenever the fuck we feel like it."

_Hello, this is Nancy Morgan from NYU; I was calling to speak to a Mr. Thomas Collins about a job in our technology department. We just got an opening and would need him to start as soon as possible, so if he could just call me back the number is 212-537-8216. Thanks. _

"See, that's why we need to change our voice mail. Collins is going to miss out on a job because they thought he still lived here."

"Collins doesn't live here anymore because he _has _a job."

Mark didn't know how to argue that, but he _needed _Roger to help him change the answering machine message. Not that he couldn't have done it by himself, he had just figured he'd ask Roger first, and now he was stuck waiting for Roger's permission.

The phone rang again, making Mark and Roger wonder if they were in their loft or in a customer service center.

"You've reached Mark, Roger, Collins, and Benny. Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you whenever the fuck we feel like it."

_Hi, this is Mimi Marquez. I was calling to talk to Benny. I don't know if he remembers me, but we went out a few times, and I was just calling to see how he's doing. I haven't heard from you in a while, Benny, and I wanted to make sure everything was alright. Call me, you have the number. Bye._

Roger looked at Mark and sighed. "Okay, we can change the message, as long as we make it shorter."

"Thank God. Finally. What should we say?"

The phone rang, again. Mark and Roger let it go to voice mail, again.

"You've reached Mark, Roger, Collins, and Benny. Please leave your name and number and we'll…" Roger unplugged the phone, "Anything but _that_."

"How about 'you've reached the loft…"

"No," Roger cut him off, "no message that begins with 'you've reached such-and-such' and then tells you what to do. It's a fucking answering machine. Everybody knows what to do with an answering machine. You could sum it up in one word 'speak', it's that simple."

"That's it."

"What's it?"

"Speak."

"Speak, what?"

"That'll be our message. Just 'speak', nothing else."

"That's shit."

"And you have a better idea?"

"No, but I'll only do it if you'll tell me why you want to change the voice mail so badly."

Mark knew he would have to tell Roger eventually. "Fine, I met this girl at your concert last week. Her name is Maureen and she's crazy. I lied and told her my name was Scott, because I thought she was weird. Then, as the night went on I got to know her a little better and now I feel bad about lying to her."

"What the fuck does that have to do with our answering machine?"

"Well, she's going to be out of town until next week, and she said she'd call me when she gets back. I didn't want her to call and think that I had given her a fake number."

"You gave her a fake name." Roger couldn't believe it; Mark was giving people fake names. He didn't think Mark would ever turn down a girl, regardless of her insanity.

"Well, I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing."

"Are you going to continue pretending your name is Scott, now?"

"No, I'm going to tell her when she calls, but I want to make sure she doesn't think she has the wrong number."

"You are a pussy."

"No, I am a guy who's desperate to get laid."

"That, I can respect."

Mark plugged the phone back in and turned to Roger. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

He pressed the record button, counting on his fingers 'one, two, three.' "SPEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAK"

** FINITO: Review please (no day but today, right?) Reviewers get cyber-cookies. **


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